I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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