I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
