Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
