Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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