oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize