apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
