I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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