Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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