i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
