hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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