there's paper in my vomit.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
