I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my phone needs a breathalizer
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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