Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
