Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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