Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
