No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
