Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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