i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize