Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
