before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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