Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
