her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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