if i can run in heels then i can drive
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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