You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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