I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize