I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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