The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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