Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I CAN MOONWALK!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
