OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
