Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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