I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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