i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
