A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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