Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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