im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
