My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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