Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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