Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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