I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
