I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
