So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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