You can't motorboat a personality
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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