What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
