I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
