Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
