This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
