It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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