dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
