I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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