I'm so fucking centered right now
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
