Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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