Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
did you just send me my own nude
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
