Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize