I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
