I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
