Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
