Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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