You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hippo gnu deer
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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