I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
