It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
