When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
