We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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