in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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