my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
