I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
